5. Instructing the heart

We considered the principle of obedience in our last article, where we were encouraged to be Godly parents, who show God to our children when we teach them obedience.
We can set up a list of arbitrary rules and expect blind obedience to those rules, but Paul calls this parenting “after the flesh” when he says that those parents discipline “as seems best to them” (Heb 12:9-10). If we are Godly parents, we expect obedience to God’s rules and not our own.

For a toddler we will just expect obedience, because they are learning the meaning of a definite yes and no. And that no means no, without tantrums or other misbehaviour. However, we have an obligation to not teach obedience to our word, but to reach our child’s heart.

Consider carefully these words in Deuteronomy 6:6–7, which is another key instruction to Godly parents.

And these words that I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

So God’s Word is in our heart and we need to get God’s Word into our children’s hearts, not just when sitting down at the Readings, but along the way in life. The way we do this, while teaching obedience, is to provide our young children the “moral reason why” behind our instruction.

Most times this will be some form of thinking about others, such as, "Don’t poke holes in the watermelon on display; other people want to buy and eat that."

The benefit of making our children think of others is we start to orient them in life as thoughtful and helpful and not just automatons to a word or command. Also, it prevents us from being “parents after the flesh” and giving arbitrary commands. If we can’t think of a command from God that relates, such as loving our neighbour, respecting other people’s property, respecting elders and those in authority, we will give a capricious and futile command.  In this way we stay true to showing God to our children by passing on His instruction when we give a command.

Of course, when a child is too young to understand the reason behind a command, and we can command because “I am your parent and I said so”. But the older our children get this approach should be used less and less.

Scripture teaches that God expected commands to be given with instruction, and in many places He provides both. Think of the Passover meal, which almost enshrines the children’s questions of why we do things, and gives parents the answers to tell them. Also, at the crossing of the River Jordan, God made them construct two piles of stones with the explicit intention that it would prompt children in years to come to ask questions, to which He provided the ready answer.

Of course, this is not an opportunity to encourage debate or negotiation from our younger children. Although we are giving a reason, we are not inviting discussion, as they, of necessity at their young age, need to learn obedience.

However, it behooves us as parents to be diligent in providing practical and age-appropriate reasons for many of our commands.

Perhaps as husbands we could make a project with our wives as part of the ‘washing of the word’ that we are responsible for, to help in providing sensible, understandable, and good reasons for the common commands we give our children.

This instructing our child’s heart is not just a biblical inference, but we also have an insight into Godly instruction from Paul when he tells Timothy that Godly instruction has the goal of love from a pure heart, and what’s more the additional objectives of a good conscience and sincere faith (1 Tim 1:5).There is a practical benefit outlined here that far outweighs any inconvenience of having to come up with reasons for our instructions.That is, by doing this, we are developing our child’s conscience.

We are filling their internal moral warehouse with practical principles of why we do things.

Our children, if they have a reservoir of values, will be well equipped for whatever they encounter in life.If they have a store of Godly wisdom nourished in their hearts by dedicated parents, it will prompt them with right and wrong, and provide principles of right behaviour. They will encounter temptation and be confronted with the opportunity to make choices in life, when they will not have either you or a Bible to look up chapter and verse.

We cannot pack a conscience in our child’s lunchbox when they head off to high school for the first day. We have to diligently develop it day by day as they grow from young children, by providing the moral reason why along the way, in our house, and when we sit or rise.

There is an additional blessing integrated with teaching or children obedience by providing the moral reason for our instructions. It is every Godly parent’s wish that one day their children may grow up and enter a relationship with God through baptism. We cannot choose baptism for our children, but we can be a big influence on them for good by teaching them to obey us, so that they can transition to obeying their Heavenly Father. But crucially, if we can develop their heart and train their conscience, we have a far bigger influence, because, as we know, baptism is “the answer of a good conscience” (1 Pet 3:21).

May God bless us as we seek to put His Word in our heart and so we can with diligence break small and teach what is in our heart to our children as we rise up, along the way or at home.May God be glorified in all that we do, as we seek to show His character and to develop a conscience based on his word in our children.

 

Previous articles in this series on Family Life:

1. Family foundations
2. Loving fathers
3. Caring mothers
4. Obedient children

This article was previously published in The Lampstand magazine.

 

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Feature image: Woman showing heart gesture .