A personal perspective on depression

6     I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
7     My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
8     I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
9     All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10     My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11     My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.

Psalm 38:6-11 (NIV)

These are the words of David, the man after God’s own heart. To me they describe exactly the outward symptoms of depression.

Before we go any further let me say that this is my perspective of depression – we won’t all feel the same way — but maybe there is enough in common to be helpful.

How does it feel?

For me it is like the core of my being is crying out: nothing feels right, everything is negative and wrong.  In the words of Psalm 38v10 there is no light (the eyes are dull), all is anguish and pain – so much pain that there is no desire to live. As Jeremiah and Job said:

14     Cursed be the day I was born! …
17     For he did not kill me in the womb,
with my mother as my grave…

Jeremiah 20:14, 17 (NIV)

11     “Why did I not perish at birth,
and die as I came from the womb?
13     For now I would be lying down in peace;
20     “Why is light given to those in misery,
and life to the bitter of soul,
21     to those who long for death that does not come,
who search for it more than for hidden treasure,
26     I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.”

Job 3:11, 13, 20–21, 26 (NIV)

18     “Why then did you bring me out of the womb?
I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
19     If only I had never come into being,
or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!

Job 10:18–19 (NIV)

While I may not be on the verge of taking my life, the strong, overpowering desire is that I had never been born.

I feel on the verge of tears, exhausted, and full of sadness. There is no motivation to do anything, no energy, and no confidence. Life goes on around me and I get carried along with it unwillingly. I am pushing myself uphill against the current.

Where do these feelings come from?

Where do these overwhelming feelings come from? Lack of care of self, lack of self-love, a feeling of worthlessness, unworthiness, and guilt—spiritually and emotionally—culminating in self-directed anger. That’s why the words of Jeremiah, David, and Job can be helpful. We are not alone; great men of faith felt as we do. Ah, but then the unworthiness and minimising of what we are feeling kicks in, “I don’t suffer like they did, it’s different, I should be able to get on top of it”. The nature of depression is such that it doesn’t allow us to acknowledge how we are really feeling. That’s the sadness of it — we do feel that bad, we are suffering as much. The original cause of our depression may be where that severe suffering and pain comes from. It may be a result of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or some other reason. It’s there and it’s real or we wouldn’t be feeling this way.

Psalm 38 tells us that David felt people weren’t interested in how he was feeling (v.11). Don’t we feel like that? We know we aren’t good company. We are no fun to be with so we either avoid people or are miserable in social situations and maybe feel we have to hide it. We feel ashamed to have to admit to being depressed because, unless others have suffered from it, they do not—cannot—understand. So we avoid others or pretend to be okay. It becomes a secret, which increases the shame and makes it harder to bear, increasing the isolation. No matter how much you try to tell yourself others are worse off, it doesn’t help your mood – this again increases the guilt and isolation. It is not so much about loneliness as ALONENESS; it is the feeling of being isolated and not understood, maybe even misunderstood, that makes us so vulnerable.

How can you help a person suffering from depression?

With these things in mind, how can you help a person suffering from depression? Here are my suggestions:

• Just be there: your quiet, encouraging presence may be all the reassurance needed.
• Take them for a walk. It is known that walking, and exercise generally, can greatly help to lift depression.
• I find sunshine warming and comforting – sit in the sun together. Vitamin D pills might help.
• Maybe music helps – maybe it doesn’t; maybe painting or other craftwork is a release for them.
• They may need you to pray and read the Bible with them.
• They may need taking out to visit others or may prefer to be quiet and away from people.
• Help find a counsellor or psychologist, if necessary (see our “How do I find a therapist?” resource by Brendon Clark).
• Listen. Allow crying if that’s the outlet most needed.
• Take them to the Meeting if that is beyond their motivation and energy level, and stay close. A depressed person needs ‘safe’ people – those who are going to understand and protect, not say foolish, unhelpful things that increase the shame and guilt. This is so important — we are so vulnerable. However, if they are not well enough, don’t force them to go; they don’t need to be pressured and made to feel guilty for not being able to cope right now.
• Never say, “count your blessings” — they will have been doing that over and over and it doesn’t register, it’s not helpful.
• Reduce the isolation and vulnerability by care and support. The love and patience of 1 Corinthians 13 is required – there is no judgement in this love. It is safe.
• I can’t ask and can’t do it myself, please do it for me.

 

Understanding their emotional needs

Understand that depression is an illness. We don‘t expect more of someone with the flu than they can physically do. We allow them to be ill and we understand that they could get the flu again. Also, understand that the depressed person may not be able to talk about how they are feeling – it is impossible to describe the pain and anguish because it doesn’t feel believable to others and there is always the fear of being misunderstood and shattered again. Or maybe they don’t have the energy to explain. Silence is safer.

This person may be trying very hard to overcome their feelings but is loaded with the illness of depression so that they cannot be rational and reasonable, and even though they know it, they still can’t see through it to the reality around them. Everything is coloured by feelings that may be very difficult for you to comprehend. I had a close friend who had been through a lot in his life and eventually committed suicide. He had so much to offer and was a man of great spiritual depth. He had such a wonderful relationship with his God it was beautiful to see and to hear him pray, but no encouragement, love, and understanding could break through and register with him as his world was so coloured by the messages of worthlessness and shame that he had learned as a child. It can be so frustrating trying to support a friend that feels like this, but know that person is more frustrated even than you are!

We are already struggling, and when we are most unlovable is when we most need loving: the greatest struggle is going on in the mind. When we least love ourselves is when we most need reassurance. I cannot emphasise this enough. We seem the most negative about everything around us because we are negative about ourselves. Inside, the depressed loved one is like a child looking for love, but self-loathing, impatience, and intolerance of self turns into self-directed anger. It may look like self-pity and self-absorption, but understand that the struggle inside the sick mind is great. This person needs your patience, love, and understanding most, right now, while they are at their least approachable and lovable. This is the tragedy of depression.

The depressed person needs support – reassurance – not your words but your loving, caring presence. Say less not more.

Words of spiritual encouragement

Take heart that Job, David, and Jeremiah all suffered from times of deep sadness and anguish and described the symptoms of depression. This is encouraging; it is not the end of our spiritual life. In fact, it is a stepping stone to deeper faith. We all struggle in different ways and respond in different ways as with any illness. We don’t have to give in and give up. If you are feeling like I do, that you are a hypocrite and should just stop attending the ecclesia because inside your head is different from what others see on the outside, I urge you to think again. Know that God understands our weaknesses. He is patient even if you are not. He will wait for you and knows better than you why you feel like you do. Don’t expect too much of yourself: is it hard to concentrate on the Bible readings? You may feel guilty for not even wanting to read. Are you unable to pray? Are you angry with God? In other words, are you struggling with your faith? Don’t give in. Allow yourself to struggle and wait till times are better.

As a psychologist said to me (in another context), “It’s like trying to make a person walk with a broken leg.” We may not be able to trust and love our Father in heaven right now because we haven’t got the plaster and the crutches to enable us to. If the plaster is medication, then take it. If the crutch is a friend, call on him or her.

If you are feeling that you might be tempted to take your life, I urge you to find someone to talk to. If you can’t talk about your feelings, find another way to communicate how you are feeling; leave a note or an article open and highlighted so someone will find it. And if you are the one who is listening or finds the message, act on the cry for help.

If things are too much for you, then, just live moment to moment, try not to think ahead with all the worries that that involves: ‘sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.’ Give it time, and meantime, with David in Psalm 38, we can still cry out,

“Do not abandon me, O LORD; do not stray away, my God! Help me now O Lord my saviour.”

I think, like us, David in this case, felt his need for God’s help. He understood that God would never abandon him but was moved to make this plea because he himself had moved away from God’s presence. It is more about his own state of mind than God’s view of him. How like us!

“Lord, help thou my unbelief.”

Despite how you are feeling, reiterate with David, the man after God’s own heart:

“But I trust in you, O LORD; and you, O LORD my God will answer me.”

Postscript

I originally wrote this in 2008. On looking back over this I am so thankful that I have been free of these feelings for 3 years. It takes courage to keep searching until you find the help you need. I searched for 20 years and found that the answer for me was “The Lightning Process”. Find the one that works for you. Like me, you may have to try more than one, but I urge you to keep trying, even though it can be tiring. There is light and hope beyond the darkness.

 

Image Credit:

Feature photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash